“You Do For Family” in 2022

I am confident I’m not the only person who finds herself more introspective than usual around this time of year. Whether it’s due to being back on the East Coast, in a relationship, or attending Thanksgiving with family this year, I’m unsure, but all three are new-to-me phenomena as an adult, and thus have my introspection feeling more germane than ever. Those three together—my location, family, and relationships—have provided me one of the biggest lessons I continue to learn: I am so fortunate.

The family I grew up in did not play around about the holidays. My Grandma Maggie was the Grand Poobah of Thanksgiving dinner, La Vigilia (The Feast of the Seven Fishes) was a non-negotiable on Christmas Eve, all those sweet asses best be in church pews for Christmas morning (followed by brunch, a quick nap, and a standing rib roast for dinner), and New Year’s Eve was a birthday party, as my sweet Taducce was a 1/1 baby. These traditions have shifted over the years, especially since my grandparents passed away, but there are facets of each that still work their way into my annual traditions.

One of those facets is, of course, people. I love watching reactions when I share that 50+ attendees was standard at each of those Big Four holidays. While most of those 50+ were, in fact, blood relatives, we never let someone go hungry or lonely. To that end, the crowd might include random college students who couldn’t go home, tourists picked up on the side of the road, the local priest, and/or anyone else who needed to eat.

That desire to include was and is the best of my family. I can often hear my grandmother saying, “You do for family,” and while that’s a sentiment I’d hoped to let die with her because family ≠ a free pass, I certainly live my life trying to do for others, family or otherwise. I never considered how changing my definition of family might make her words ring true for me as an adult.

Let me explain: I have never had to choose my family, though I simultaneously choose my given family all the time. The blood relatives I have haven’t given me a reason to feel like I needed better people to call family. We might not all get along or even particularly like one another, but this is a pack of all around good humans. For that reason, I actively choose to include my given family as my chosen family, and oh my gawd, y’all, how lucky am I?

I didn’t understand chosen family until some of my closest current relationships. When I left CNY at 22, I was worried about what Thanksgiving would like without family, and as nothing sounds worse to me than a small Thanksgiving, I began choosing who would be my family while I was there. Lots of those people are still family to this day, and have been included in a litany of Thanksgiving adventures since 2012:
-Trips to DFW to be with extended family;
-Gradsgiving & almost burning down on-campus apartments at TTU;
-Out-of-state friends coming to Texas;
-Forgotten mashed potatoes in Baltimore;
-Meals where I knew no one but the host & their kids;
-Growing numbers of Friendsgivings;
and finally, a Thanksgiving last year that could’ve come out of Homer, NY. Not a single blood relative of anyone was present, but I stood in my best friend’s kitchen and realized I had as much a family in Texas as I did in CNY. Almost everyone at that meal had less-than-desirable family situations, and even though most of their families were within driving distance of that table, we chose one another. If I could, I would’ve had my givens (my parents, brothers, and MP) there with my chosen, but there was no less love in that house because they were absent.

Why yes, I did make everyone else get out of this photo so I could take a picture with all my hard work.

How fortunate does that make me?! While spending time among my chosen family, the only thing I can think to make it better is adding the family the universe gave me?? As I watch my partner and other beloved friends navigate tough family situations—situations only exacerbated by this time of year—I am forever reminded what “You do for family” looks in my life. You do for family because you pick your family.

In closing, I’ll say that I am forever grateful that we no longer post one-thing-I’m-thankful-for-every-day-of-the-month in November—remember that mess in the early Facebook days? Respectfully, I barely remember to take the daily medication that provides my only serotonin and norepinephrine, so I certainly couldn’t keep up with that trend. Consider this my “I’m thankful for…” post for 2022! Though I’m not leaving Maine for Thanksgiving, I’ll be home with my five favorite humans in two weeks and again for Christmas. Will we argue? Piss each other off? Maybe do some silent treatment (looking at you, Hugh)? We might, but if that’s the worst of it, I’m gonna keep choosing my givens ❤