Needs vs. Wants

Y’all, where has the summer gone?! I cannot believe I’m sitting here writing this on the last day of July when I feel like it was just January last week. I read an interesting theory once on why time seemingly moves faster as you age, but that’s not the topic of today’s discussion. For as much of a whirlwind as this year has felt like thus far, it’s been a transformative year for your girl. As I’ve shared some of my growth with people close to me, I think there are pieces that warrant greater sharing.

As I blogged about before, I entered into a relationship last summer that I knew, though not long term, was going to change me. Over the past few months, things have shifted in our dynamic. When I think of break ups in the past, I wonder how this current fizzling of our relationship hasn’t broken me to my core. Every breakup in my past has been knock down, drag out, and somewhere along the lines of: “F*** you! F*** your dog! F*** your mother! And F*** yourself again for good measure!” What can I say, y’all? It’s my favorite word. So what’s different?

Me, of course! ::hair flip:: Nah but really, building my emotional intelligence has become integral to who I am as an adult. I can still pick a hell of a fight and go clear for the jugular when I want to, but do y’all know how exhausting that is? In this particular situation, there were plenty of times that I could have resorted to being straight up ugly, but I went an entirely different route. Want to know what I said?

“My needs are not being met by this dynamic anymore.” DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW POWERFUL AND LIBERATING THAT SENTENCE IS?! I didn’t cry, kick, scream, and yell. I wasn’t angry. I was (and still am) sad because no one wants to break up, but approaching the situation from a lens of, “Here’s why this isn’t working for me,” as opposed to, “Here’s what you’re doing wrong,” was so much healthier for both of us.

I think everyone should work on themselves to the point they’re able to say, “This [relationship/friendship/job/living situation/environment/etc] isn’t meeting my needs,” but it takes work. Lots of it. First and foremost, you have to be able to distinguish your needs from your wants.
Example: What do I want in a man? I want Hafpor Bjornsson’s size and strength with Jason Momoa’s physique and tattoos but I also want him not to shed (like one of those hypoallergenic dogs, you know?) and to think that the sun rises and sets on my shapely backside while being rich as hell and having my own independence but also like, him paying off my debt.
But what do I need? I need time, loyalty, empathy, and patience. I need someone who’s also working on themselves and is willing to grow in that with me. I need someone open-minded but true to themselves, strong without being toxic, and kind. There’s a bit of difference in my lists, yeah?

I don’t write this to dog my ex. I firmly believe he’s a good person, and I still care about him deeply. That said, when a relationship hits a points where needs are not being met, it’s time to either work through it or work past it. I wish I could tell you I didn’t you I didn’t cry at all, but that’s a lie. However, I’m proud that I didn’t kick and scream and cry. I said what I said, we talked about it, and the tears came when I thanked him for truly changing my life and making me a better partner in the process (and I’m crying again as I write that).

I will end this by saying that I had no intention of this post being as raw and exposing as it now feels. I’ve worked my ass off to get to a point of being able to remove emotions from equations when they need to be addressed diplomatically, while allowing myself to feel all the feelings when it’s more appropriate. Take the time to work on yourselves, y’all. Please. You will be better for it. Your relationships, even if they end, will be better for it. And the people around you will be better for it. Oh, and if y’all see a rich as hell Bjornsson/Momoa lovechild somewhere in Texas, tell him to holla atcha girl (I’m kidding [kind of]).

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